Mr. Halle’s comments

 Hi Luke,

This narrative has a really easy-to-read style. It matches up with a lot of the blog writing you do. It’s funny and has a natural irreverence, which seems to suit how you describe your personality as having trouble with authority. These discoveries, of course, make it more surprising that you enjoyed boot camp, where authority and chain of command are so important to teamwork. 

While the narrative presents your life story, I’m not sure where it’s going as it seems to just stop mid-thought (no period at the end). It’s clear that the narrative begins in the town where you grew up, demonstrating how that in combination with being a role model for your younger siblings affected you. Then you describe your time in the military, enjoying the camaraderie of boot camp but disliking the officious instructors at A-school.

Moving forward with this text, I think you have to answer two fundamental questions about the narrative: What do you think the purpose is? Who do you think the audience is? Answering these questions may help you to make some links between the different sections of the narrative, which seem disconnected at times now. 

 Best,

Steve Halle